The Reality of God
Hi everyone! I’m Grace Tan and I’m 20 this year. This Christmas, I’m thankful to re-affirm my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.
I came to Bethany since I was a little girl. Stories of God and Bible characters were taught, but they were merely interesting stories and I never understood their significance. As I grew older, I became increasingly uninterested and took these things for granted. During my teenage years, I began to face challenges at home and in school. I started to learn how I could trust in Him in small ways, but my heart struggled to relate to God beyond these things.
Things began to change this year. At the start of the year, I had recurring fevers and headaches that have gradually increased its frequency to once every week. After a series of misdiagnosis, I was eventually diagnosed with Cholangitis due to a bile duct stricture. This means that my bile ducts were narrowed, hence, causing the left lobe of my liver to be infected.
When the surgeon finally explained the complexities of my condition and the treatment options, my emotions hit me hard. It was difficult to accept the reality of my condition and that none of the treatments, statistically, guaranteed much success. I did not understand why this was happening. I tried to find comfort from God’s promises, but my mind and heart kept straying. I often wandered back into thoughts of despair and desperation. I just could not find sustained peace.
When I told Pastor Mitch about my condition, he shared with me Psalm 46.
I realized that each time I turned to God in prayer, I merely desired comfort and peace, and for a solution to my condition. It was difficult to see beyond my own immediate needs and I did not know how to seek God for Himself alone. Psalm 46:10 reads:
“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
This verse taught me that I needed to believe that He is God and He is truly sovereign. I needed to be quiet and to learn to draw near to Him, just for who He is, instead of struggling with the emotions within me.
In the days leading to surgery (1 July 2016) I held onto Psalm 46:4-5 very closely. It reads:
“There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.”
I came before the Lord, asking Him to teach me to seek Him for who He is, beyond any needs or desires. Day by day, with every conscious effort, the reality of the Lord became eminent and He slowly gave His peace to me. My heart became still, knowing that He is always close to me. Slowly, the thoughts on the success of the surgery, pain, and other peripherals became unimportant and I was able to go into surgery with my heart stayed on Him.
By the Lord’s grace, my surgery was successful! The surgeon eventually removed the left lobe of my liver to get rid of the problem completely. During the recovery process, His presence became even more real. When the nights were long, due to discomfort and pain, He was my source of strength. I learnt to give thanks for small improvements each day. People in Bethany also encouraged my heart and showed me what it meant to be part of the church through praying for me and walking with me during this period of uncertainty.
Though this was a difficult experience, I count myself privileged to learn precious lessons about the reality of God in my life and how I ought to relate to Him. My response is to be identified with Christ. With the life that He has mercifully preserved, I would like to give of my time to the Lord by serving Him. My perspective has been changed and I no longer want to do things for myself, especially in my studies. Instead, I want to learn to see things more from the Lord’s perspective and glorify Him through the way I live my life.